Friday, July 07, 2006

Shocking Food Scandal

You know, this might alarm some of you. But in my endless quest for truth and justice, I've discovered something that is, in and of itself, quite shocking. Because I care about you all, I feel the need to point this out, for the good of mankind.

The TV Dinners, called 'Banquet' are NOT REAL BANQUETS!

In fact, they are actually, (And there's no other nice way to say this) - Extremely Disgusting.

When I was a kid, fresh out of home, and trying to figure out whether I should spend my rent money on beer or not, I found that I had this enormous other problem - food no longer just materialised on the table when I was hungry. So, I had to learn to 'cook' (well, prepare something that vaguely looked like food enough to keep me alive. It wasn't until I met my wife that she actually coerced me towards anything that actually resembled cooking. But I digress...)

And as I was 'cooking' my 'food', I used to lament the complexity of modern Cuisine.

"It would be better, " I'd say to nobody,

"...If human food was just like pet food - You just got one flavour in a can, and ate it!"

Little could I know in my 17 year old naivete, that such a product exists, and it's consumed by lonely bachelors with grubby microwaves all over the USA...

Tonight's gourmet entry was entitled 'Salisbury Steak' meal. Now, I've never seen a Salisbury cow, but I imagine it must be some kind of gelatinous lab mutation of a cow, stuck together with cardboard and gelatin. Ew.... See the picture on the box? Well, it looked exactly NOT like that. Looking down, you can see the shriveled, slimy thing that I managed to ingest without gagging resembles that picture about as much as a plastic tree fern resembles an accountant having a prostate exam.

There's something very sad about food that you look at, contemplate and after much effort and deliberation, the best thing you can say about it is that it should be able to successfully end up as poo.

3 comments:

  1. I find it interesting that even in the picutre on the box - the place where they're meant to be presenting the food in the best possible light - it's on a plastic plate.

    I mean, nothing says classy, tasty food to me like disposable plastic plates.

    Also, the secret comment word is "eramo".

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  2. Stephen3:39 pm

    You need Monkey Chow!!

    See:

    http://www.angryman.ca/monkey.html

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  3. Ahhh yes, I like this meal. It will make good poo.

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